Emerald City Bagels

Beautiful gowns, beautiful vibes, beautifully disappointing.

You know when you’re not supposed to be eating something, but you do it anyway, and it’s bad, and you’re just like, that’s what I get? That was me at Emerald City Bagels.

I originally set out for a bakery, but I happened upon Emerald City instead because I love bagels real bad. And while other nearby breakfast spots were selling pastries and donuts, I wasn’t in the mood to be pissed off by a bad donut. Now, I know I’m supposed to be doing low carb, but I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

When I walked in: beautiful gowns. I was immediately greeted by a display case full of bagels in a variety of flavors. Oh, they really know what they’re doing, I thought. But I forgot—abundance does not equal quality.

I quickly settled on the rosemary and sea salt bagel. I love rosemary, and sea salt usually amplifies flavors, like when it’s sprinkled on dessert.

The sheer number of topping options was overwhelming, so I stuck with something tried and true: a bacon, egg, and cheese (swapped cheddar for Swiss) on my rosemary and sea salt bagel. To balance it out with a lil sum sweet, I ordered the tiramisu cold brew, one of the cold brews they had on tap, which I only realized after ordering. Had I seen the full lineup first, I probably would’ve gone with the coconut matcha instead. Again, I’m not in the mood to be pissed off.

While waiting for my food, I took in the decor, heavily Art Deco-inspired with green arches that tied into the whole “Emerald City” theme. The merch was well-designed, evoking the brand’s aesthetic.

There was nowhere to sit inside, but that didn’t bother me. Strooperies in Amsterdam don’t let you eat inside either, so I respected it. I took my bagel and coffee to a picnic table outside with a view of the BeltLine.

Now, just like I know I need to leave bread alone, I also know I said I was giving up pork. But perfectly cooked bacon makes me feel like Chingy: every time I try to leave, something keeps pulling me back! Bacon cooked hard like it was on my bagel at Emerald City? That’ll make me give it up cold turkey.

As for the bagel, it left much to be desired. There was a hint of rosemary, but the salt? Overwhelming. The sea salt flakes were too big for the size of the bagel, making every bite way saltier than it needed to be. Instead of amplifying the rosemary, it overpowered it; I was just tasting salt.

One thing about me? Me and tiramisu go together real bad. I’m somewhat of a connoisseur, you might say. So trust me when I tell you: there was no tira in this misu. It just tasted like strong iced coffee with maybe a hint of chocolate. I admit I’m not familiar with cold brew, but damn. I even googled if I was supposed to add anything, but I like my flavors biblically accurate, so I drank it straight.

I love the vibes of eating outside: it makes it even easier to romanticize my life, like I’m in a movie where I’ll meet my man while he’s out walking his dog. But eating takeout outside? That’s where the romance died. The reason? Wind.

I love a breeze through my hair as much as the next person, but I don’t love chasing my takeout bag down the street so I don’t litter. I was leaping to catch my napkins before they flew away again when I knocked over my “tiramisu” cold brew. A fourth of it poured out before I got it upright, and I wasn’t even mad about the sips I lost. My first thought? Less I have to drink.

By the time I started my mile walk home, carrying the drink felt like a burden: cold hands, careful steps, for what? Also, if I’m going to consume sugar I shouldn’t be having, it should at least be something I enjoy. So after the ground took a large gulp of my cold brew, the trash drank the rest.